Unicorns I Have Known

Posted on Monday, Jun 1, 2009

_It’s Guest Post Week here at Good Old Rock…today’s post comes to us from our good pal Christina of Stacked._

When Matt suggested I write a guest post here at Good Old Rock, I had a difficult time coming up with a topic. What does Matt like that I also like and have some worthy knowledge of.

And then it came to me. Unicorns. Or the Big Bang Theory, but I would just talk about my crush on Sheldon and that’s a secret. So Unicorns it is.

Since I’m a book blogger, I wanted to tie my post back to books. And hey, Matt likes photography too – there just so happens to be a book of unicorn photography out there – PERFECT!

Except then I started doing my research and found that Unicorns I Have Known is really only available on Robert Vavra’s website ….for $50 or in used copy form where people are trying to sell it for even more. I like unicorns but not enough to warrant buying a copy since my library doesn’t carry a copy.

It turns out that Vavra has a lot of unicorn photos on his website, so I got my fix looking through them. He does a great job of making the horses that model look like unicorns. I wonder if horse models have an image complex like human models. But instead of living on a diet of cigarettes and Diet Coke and getting breast implants, the horses only eat two sugar cubes a day and organic hay. At some point they must start to allow the wooden horns attached to their bridle to become an extension of their self worth.

The horses seem to be rather limited in their modeling skills though. Too often they rely on the same expressions to convey joy, contentment, and bliss. They need a few lessons to widen their range. Maybe Tyra Banks could do an America’s Next Top Model Unicorn Special.

Of course, I could be very wrong and these are in fact REAL unicorns and not models with a prosthetic horn. A few of the reviews on Amazon lead me to believe this may be the case:

“This book by Robert Vavra portrays the unicorns as how they are. Peaceful, intimate, distant, yet very close.”

“I even moved to the horse capital of Florida knowing one day a beautiful Unicorn would step out from behind a tree to nod hello.”

“My heart felt as though it would break upon reading then, at this page, Vavra talking about such details as how they kept the horns stuck on the horses :( Then it occurred to me… Maybe he just wants us to THINK they were really horses, so that no one tries to hunt them down…to protect them and keep them sacred. To keep them Free.”

Clearly reviewer number three is very smart and onto Vavra and his unicorn hording ways. Ms. Florida’s neighborly unicorn who chats witih you at the local Piggly Wiggly about the kids soccer game is an anomoly so maybe Vavra is right to keep these shy beasts hidden – especially based on the rest of the third review – that woman would hunt the unicorns down so she could love them and hug them and call them George. She’d probably dress them up in tutus and invite them to a tea party.

So, now I’m totally confused about whether or not unicorns exist; because those people seem to know an awful lot about unicorns and we all know that only smart people who know a lot about a given subject will post reviews on Amazon describing the accuracy of the content. These reviewers seemed very knowledgeable about unicorn traits and their natural habitat. Apparently their natural habitat looks a lot like scenes from Legend and they run around among wild flowers all day. Unicorns also like long walks on the beach if the pictures I’ve seen are any indication. Now knowing how real these photos probably are, we can safely assume they like pina coladas and are not in to yoga.

Alternatively, maybe the unicorns were just giving Vavra what he wanted to see. The real story is that they’re off playing Unicorn Death Match which is a lot like UFC Wrestling. Those would have been some awesome photos.

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