The Pajiba review of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is pretty funny. The reviewer describes how excited he was at the prospect of reviewing the Disney-fied version of this tale, which (in him mind) would be ripe for critical lambasting:
It was perfect; of course, Disney would cast kewpie whack-a-mole Dakota Fanning as Lucy, who would provide words of wisdom to the professor, undoubtedly portrayed by a dimpled Dennis Quaid. And it goes without saying that Jessica Alba would be cast as Susan and wear skimpy, ass-hugging outfits into the Narnia winter while flirting relentlessly with her brother, Peter, who would be played by Chad Michael Murray or a shirtless no-matter-how-deep-the-snow is Jared Padalecki. Who would direct? Chris Columbus, of course! Mr. and Mrs. Beaver would be tossed aside in favor of the flavor-of-the-month animal: Penguins! Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried and Renée Zellweger with an unnecessary English accent! Mr. Tumnus — the mythical faun — would be played by Mike Meyers, who would probably make noises with his armpits and provide cheeky double entendres. Oh … heaven! And because Glenn Close is too old and has lost her box-office clout, the White Witch would have her gender reversed and be played by Jim Carrey as the White Count who turns the good folks of Narnia into stone with his flatulence. Oh! Oh! And Father Christmas, naturally, would be portrayed by Tim Allen, who would drink large cans of Diet Pepsi (diet, ‘cause he’s fat!) and give all the Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve video iPods with stock U2 images. And Aslan would be voiced by either Morgan Freeman, if they were going respectable, or better yet: Will Smith! The Christ Figure that calls everyone “Dawg!” And when Aslan is sacrificed, the dialogue would shift into Latin with English subtitles to provide that Passion of Christ authenticity. And … and … finally, when the White Count is defeated by the forces of good, a CGI-animated Aerosmith would come out and sing some bad Diane Warren anthems with the Coca Cola Polar Bears while Dakota Fanning shed one single, shiny tear that said, “Are you watching, Oscar voters! Cause this is my year, bitches!”
I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’ll get around to it. The reviews make it sound pretty good (as did the 9-minute “super trailer” or whatever), despite the fact that they kept Julius’s name off of the credits. :)