1. Empire Carpet. A classic! The Empire guy doesn’t appear to have aged at all during my entire tv-watching life. The song has changed a bit over time, adding “800” before the 588-2300, but at least you can always depend on the dancing bunnymen at Easter time doing the bunny hop, and the elves doing their “Jingle Bells” parody w/Empire guy as Santa (“588-23-ho-ho!”). At one time, they were even giving away Empire guy bobbleheads as a promotion. Interestingly, if you see Empire commercials on the Spanish-speaking stations, the Empire guy isn’t in them. I guess his appeal isn’t quite universal.

2. Victory Auto Wreckers. “That old car is worth money!” The Victory tow truck driver gives skanky 70’s-Dude three bills, the top one of which is a $20 (so…$60?), for an old car whose door 70’s-Dude has just pulled off by accident. Tow truck drives away w/car… not sure where the door ends up. Then a lovely shot of the junkyard, filled with very large cars with tailfins. Just another reason why Bensenville doesn’t seem like the most homey of the suburbs.

3. Lincoln Carpeting. This one is long gone, but I still sing the jingle… “When you’re thinkin’ Lincoln Lincoln, Better carpeting for less, call National-2-9000, National-2-9- *phone rings*-thousand!” Good stuff.

4. Danley Garages. Not much to say about this one except that it existed/exists. When I was very young and impressionable, I was sure that having a garage torn down and rebuilt was something every adult would have to do, so I stored away the name Danley for future reference. Dial G-A-R-A-G-E-S!

5. Tile Outlet. The blonde lady with perfect bangs has been doing these commercials for ages. Is she the owner? Owner’s wife? Daughter? Who knows? “Are you looking for marble?” “2444 Fullerton in Chicago, just three blocks west of the Kennedy Expressway!” Funny thing is, when we were shopping for tile for our kitchen, I was able to recall the commercial and drive directly there without having to look it up in the phone book. I guess their advertising pays off. (and they do have nice tile!)

6. DeVry (now DeVry University). Again, as an impressionable child, this was one of the only schools I knew of, so it seemed a foregone conclusion that this is where I would end up. Either here or…

7. ITT Technical Institute. Not to be confused with IIT (IL Institute of Technology), which is an actual university in Chicago. At ITT, you learn how to point intelligently at circuit boards and to frown intelligently at transmission timers. I could have done that.

8. Eagle Insurance. Okay, this one’s clearly a self-parody, but it’s too funny not to include. Eagle Man! is a guy in a bald eagle suit. He lands on the roof of an underinsured car and announces, “I’ve got something for yooooou!” Then he lays a huge egg on the car, in which is a baby eagle holding a sheet of great insurance rates. Onlookers looked shocked, then pleased. Good fun for all. Further proof you don’t need a budget to do a memorable commercial.

9. Menard’s. Menard’s is a midwest home improvement chain. Their spokesman, a big guy with white hair and a crooked grin and Harry Caray glasses, is the guy we love to hate. He vanished for a while and there was some woman doing the commercials, but it just wasn’t the same! And let us not forget the frantic banjo music and the jingle that haunts us in our sleep: “Save big money at Menard’s!” (I actually like shopping there, and if you get their weekly circular, it has interesting quotes at the bottom of each page in tiny print.)

10. Peter Francis Geraci. Bankruptcy ((Info))((Tapes))!! (the double parentheses are very important) With Mr. Geraci’s doleful face gazing out of your tv and into your financial heart, how could you *not* call now and learn how you too can get out of debt? He seems so sad and he cares so much about my well-being, I’m almost tempted to declare bankruptcy just to cheer him up.

11. Celozzi-Ettleson Chevrolet. These commercials are pretty standard dealership commercials, with two well-dressed grey-haired gentlemen holding fistfulls of cash saying together at the end: “Where you’ll always save more money!” I’m not sure how much they’re saving us if they have handfuls of cash to taunt us with afterwards. The guys actually showed up on a Wickes furniture commercial a couple of years ago. I guess they managed to clear just enough profit on their cars that they could afford new furniture.